Wrestling

I recently decided that, after a little time away, that I do indeed want to pursue being a full-time worship leader, but I'm not sure what that means. I don't have much interest in sending out resumes to random churches, hoping they like me and, just as importantly, I like them. And honestly, I don't feel like I'm ready. I've come through some painful church related experiences in a the last few years, and God has done a tremendous amount of healing in me. There remains only a trace of the bitterness that was once so prevalent. I have forgiven those that I needed to forgive, and God's grace has filled the cracks that covered my heart. But a few issues do remain, issues that could be potential stumbling blocks to my effectiveness as a worship leader.

First, as my blog "Something Corporate" revealed, I still have major questions regarding the function and understanding of worship in the post-modern matrix. Why is worship often limited to music? To what extent is encouraging the congregation appropriate? Perhaps most importantly, how much of what we do is Christ- or Bible-oriented (check out Brian's current blog series on this very topic). And personally, why do these questions present such obstacles to me? Am I too sensitive? Should I proceed with business as usual and adjust accordingly when understanding comes? Or should some modicum of a grasp on these realities take hold before I can truly progress?

My second major issue is that I just don't know what church is anymore. I mean, I read so many books and have a great idea of what I don't like that some churches do, and even some grip on some things I do like. And I love the church I'm at right now. It is an absolute Godsend. But it's been so long since church had any ring of normalcy to it for me. After I left Calvary Temple, I went to my dear friend Brian Richardson's church, and even had opportunities to lead worship there, but I never seemed to find my niche. I was still so burnt out from years of unhealthiness that it never clicked for some reason. Then I went to Bethany and didn't attend church until my second year, leading worship at a veeeerrrrrry small church plant, which was cool, but there was still no kindredship, no unity of vision--again, no click. Now I'm here in Texas and really finally feel like I'm in the right church. But it's going to take a while to get acclimated to church as healthy, functional place of relationship and community, all those things I preach, but fail to represent.

So, although God has graciously granted some clarity in the last few weeks (thanks in no small part to my amazing wife, who encourages me to not only wrestle with these issues, but to take action and initiate some degree of movement), I still think it's going to take some time before I'm ready to take that leap toward full-time ministry. It's frustrating, because I see myself getting older, and part of me wants it to happen NOW, and the other parts of me don't want it to happen at all, mostly out of fear. Why couldn't I be called to sleep full-time? I kick ass at that.